I miss my mommy!

My mom is teaching a class in Ireland over the next couple of weeks and even though we live 6 hours apart, I miss the heck out of her! We typically talk on the phone every day and I miss all of our chats. On the plus side, our house is probably a little cleaner and I probably play with Bear more, but still...I want my mama! We usually don't even talk about anything important, just daily goings-on, but I apparently need that outlet, since I'm really missing it. I could call my MIL or my grandma or my dad or a friend...but it's not the same, dang it. She's been emailing me fairly regularly and has even called once, but I think pretty soon her class will be moving on and she won't have easy computer access. Calling is an option, but I don't really need to. It's expensive and the time difference makes it inconvenient. Oh well, she'll be back soon and we can talk our hearts out then, right?

To keep with the title for today, I have been thinking of joining a gym and taking Bear to the childcare room there. I really need the exercise...I lost 30 pounds before I got pregnant with the boy and have lost most of that again, but I could stand to lose some more. Plus, I know I feel better if I exercise, it's just the effort that it takes is sometimes more than I can muster. Anyhow, I feel ready, but I don't know if Bear is ready to be left with someone else yet. Also, I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave him. He's about to turn 4 months old and I know plenty of moms have had to leave their babies with someone else by this age, but I haven't had to yet and I am not sure how attached we are to each other. My fear is that I'll join the gym and I'll never get to use it due to the fact that he cries when left with the childcare workers. The gym I'm thinking of joining has really great employees and I think they would take good care of him, but what if he won't stop crying? Won't they just come get me? I guess the only way to find out is to try, but I'm just not sure. Does anyone have any experience with this or leaving a young baby with someone else for any reason? I am open to any suggestions that might make it easier (for both of us!).

I will probably eat these words later...

I know I'm probably going to regret saying (well, writing) this, but Bear's schedule has become so predictable over the past 2 weeks and I am LOVING it. I am a person that likes schedules and routine, so this has been a wonderful change in him. I like to know what is happening and when it will happen and I am much happier when things go as planned. Prior to the last 2 weeks, he was unpredictable as far as when he would sleep at night and for naps. I never was sure if he would have the desire to eat a lot or a little or no cereal at all. But, it all just seemed to fall into place recently. Sadly, it is due to no action of mine. I think his little body just decided to get it together finally. The only thing I have done is to try and stick to the schedule he has worked out for himself. Not that anyone besides me is going to care about this, but this is how his day typically goes for now:

6:00 am- Wake up for about 15 minutes
6:15 am- Fall asleep with Momma on the couch until about 8:00 am
8:00 am-Have a bottle, play with Momma, get dressed
10:00 am-Nap
10:45 am- Have another bottle, play some more
12:00 pm- Nap
12:45 pm- More bottle, more playing
2:00 pm- Eat baby cereal/fruit/vegetables
3:00 pm- Watch Golden Girls with Momma
4:00 pm- Nap
4:45 pm- Bottle time
5:30 pm- Play with Daddy
6:00 pm- Watch Momma and Daddy eat dinner
6:30 pm- Take a walk with Momma
7:00 pm- Bath, rocking chair with Momma until bedtime
9:00 pm (or so)- Bedtime

What's really cool is that I can take him somewhere (grocery store, park, etc.) and he will still stick with the schedule for the most part. I am so happy this finally happened and I really hope he sticks with it for at least a little while. It makes life much easier for the both of us (and probably for Daddy, too, since I'm a little less of a grouch!).

On another note, this kid is seriously growing! I tried to dress him in a 6 month onesie this morning and it was TOO SMALL! I had to get out the 9 month clothes! I can't believe it...he's not even 4 months old yet! It's only the onesies, though. I think he's just too long for them and that's what makes them tight. His pants and shorts are still 6 month size.

Here he is enjoying his Jumperoo Horse:

I wanna hold your hand...

One of my favorite things about Bear right now is how much he loves me. I know that he'll more than likely always love me, but how long will it be until he gets mad at me for the first time? When will I disappoint him? How much longer will all the decisions I make be the right ones (in his mind)? When is it exactly that momma will no longer be his favorite person to hang out with? I am eagerly anticipating and dreading the day that he decides there are other people he'd rather listen to, look at, be entertained by and love. I'm excited about it for him, because it means that he'll be growing up and learning how to be a great person. I'm dreading it because I know I will no longer be his entire world. Being someone's everything is exhausting at times, but it is also exhilarating. I've never been loved this much and looked to for the answers to everything before. He's not even able to talk yet, but I'm the one that he looks to when he's confused, upset or hurt. He never asks for anyone else's opinion or argues with me. Just about everything he learns in the next few years is going to come from me. Is that love or what??

I guess I'm just realizing all of this because Bear is becoming more aware of his surroundings and it suddenly matters who's holding him and who's feeding him his bottle. Sometimes I'll be feeding him and watching television at the same time and I'll hear a little gurgle come from Bear. I'll look down at him and he is just grinning at me! It's so sweet and I can't get enough of him loving me. I especially like when I'm holding him (usually at bed time) and he just holds onto my wrist or one of my fingers (hence today's title). His hands are so soft and it's almost like when a kitten kneads on a mama cat while nursing. I hope to hang on to his love for at least a little while longer. I'm very appreciative of it and want it to last. Just writing about the fact that it will diminish makes me tear up. I'm getting to know my soon-to-be 4 month old son better and I'm loving him more than I did when he was a tiny baby. I didn't think that was possible, but then again, I'm not really someone that took one look at her newborn and "fell in love". Of course, I loved him immediately, but I was still too shocked by the actual delivery of him to really know him and love him. I just don't think you can truly love a person until you know him or her, even your own kid. Anyhow, he and I are still getting to know each other and I keep wondering: will the love just keep growing or does it taper off at some point? Will I be able to love a 2nd child (if there is one!!) as much? I've been assured by my mother that I will have enough love to go around, but then again, I've always known I was her favorite. (Just kidding, Mom...if you're reading this!) Now that I've read over what I just wrote, I realize it'll probably be sort of boring to anyone else. Oh well, I feel overwhelmed with love and affection for my son and I wanted to write about it before he fills up a diaper or cries for two straight hours and makes me forget that I felt this way for a minute.

Bear using both hands--a recent accomplishment!

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a quick post today...Bear is whimpering to get out of his swing and I hear Max playing MarioKart and I'd like to join him. I wanted to post though, because this has been a really good day. I sometimes get down and don't feel so appreciated since I became a SAHM. I mean, there's no employee of the month award and I don't constantly have a higher up telling me that I'm doing well. That kind of confirmation is nice, but the kind I got today from Bear and his daddy has been much nicer and means a lot more to me. It started last night: I went to bed kind of early (9:30 or so) and Max stayed up playing video games. He came to bed around 1:00 (I think) and almost immediately Bear started crying. Well, I started to get up to feed and rock him, but Max beat me to it! It may not sound like much, but since he has to get up for work in the mornings, I almost always get up with Bear. Max has actually conditioned himself to sleep through the crying on the monitor, so it would be of no use to wait for him to wake. Anyhow, Bear slept really well last night and didn't wake up until 9:00 this morning!!! He must have known it was Mother's Day somehow. Then Max and Bear gave me a gift (a baby sign language book and DVD) and took me shopping and out for lunch. It was just a really nice day and although it's not over yet, I feel safe in saying that I have felt really appreciated by Max and haven't gotten pooped or peed on or even really been subjected to one of Bear's moods! I hope I can make Father's Day as nice for Max.

Tee hee hee

This post falls under the category of things that I absolutely do not want to forget. Bear has started giggling at the most random things. There are 3 examples that I really want to remember:

The first time it happened was the first time I decided to sit him up in his baby tub. His tub had a reclining option, but he kept getting nervous in that position and crying during bathtime, so I decided it was time to sit him up and just hold him so he didn't tip over. Well, we have one of those rubber ducks that tells if the water in the tub is too hot, so I tossed that in the tub with Bear. He instantly started giggling and kept it up for a couple of minutes. Every time I moved the duck, he would giggle some more!

The next time, I had him sitting up in his highchair waiting for me to get his food poured into a little bowl. His baby food comes in packaging that has a foil top, so I tore open the foil top and noticed that his peaches smelled pretty good. I wondered if they tasted as good as they smelled, so I stuck my finger in the food stuck to the lid and licked it. I didn't even realize Bear was watching me, but he started giggling! So, I did it a few more times and he giggled some more, which made me giggle with him. We shared a good laugh!

Just yesterday, we had an active day. The moms club had an open house for prospective members at a local park and Bear got so exhausted there, he fell asleep on the way home. I took advantage of the nap and took a detour to the grocery store, only to have him wake up about halfway through the store. Anyhow, he was still really good for the rest of the shopping, even though he thought it appropriate to umm, number 2 while we were there. I brought him home and cleaned him up, but could tell he was still pretty wiped out. I decided to just sit with him on the couch for a while while I had a snack. I was munching away on my crackers and watching Golden Girls when he started another giggle attack. Again, I didn't even know that he was watching me, but lo and behold, he was staring right into my face while I was eating. I ate another cracker and sure enough, that was what made him laugh! Apparently, me eating is too funny for him!

I loved all three of those moments and just thought I'd share. I can't wait for more!

Oh, that Bear!

It seems like I'm always blogging about Bear's sleeping habits, but this is what's on my mind usually, so here I go again! This rolling over thing that Bear has started is getting ridiculous! It's almost like he can't get in his crib without rolling over and then he gets so frustrated that he starts crying. This happens about every half hour and I get so tired of getting up to reposition him, console him, feed him, hold him, etc., that I have ended up letting him sleep with me for the past 2 nights. Bad momma, I know, but I just want to get some snoozing in before he wakes up at 6 am. One night we slept on the couch (= hurt neck for Momma) and the next night in our bed (= not so happy Daddy + sweaty Momma). Who knows what's going to happen tonight? I'm hoping that this stage in his life, like all the others have, will only last for a few days and then he'll be cool with his crib again. Also, I just need to accept that some kids don't sleep well until they are like 5! All these crappy nights do not mean I am a bad mom or that Bear is a difficult kid!

Bear, with the okay from his dr., has been "tasting" rice cereal since the ripe old age of 2 months. We introduced him to eating from a spoon at that age, but he wasn't so good at it. He ate some cereal (well, mostly formula) from the spoon, but he also spit quite a bit out. We moved on to pureed foods a couple of weeks ago and he is just starting to REALLY get it. He is opening his mouth wide for more food and is even swallowing most of it. It is just unbelievable to me how much he changes in just a few days! He'll go from not being able to quite roll over one day to being able to roll like crazy the very next night. Or like with the eating, he went from spitting a lot out and me having to throw quite a bit of baby food down the disposal to eating everything that I introduce to him and no more food wasting.

I'm happy about all of these changes that are taking place in him, but I see why many people say that they don't remember much about the early months with their kids. It happens so fast that you don't even remember when they couldn't do things like crawl or open cabinets or feed themselves. Oh, Bear's not to those milestones yet, believe me, but when he is, I'm sure the time will just fly by. That's one of the reasons I wanted to blog about our lives right now. I don't want to forget! I want to remember for when (and if!) I have more kids...I want to remember in case I forget to write it down in his baby book...I want to remember when other moms ask me when he did certain things...and most of all, I want to remember when he's got kids of his own and wants to compare them to himself. Max and I find ourselves doing this so much and we are both lucky enough to have moms who kept good notes in our baby books and then sent them to us. I'm just pretty sure that with all this sleep deprivation that I am bound to forget the little details and I don't want to. Right now, it seems like I could never forget them because they are what I deal with all day every day, but I know I won't remember how he's doing some serious cooing in his swing right now (and NOT CRYING for me to come get him). I get so excited by those little things and it will be nice to maybe make this blog into a book someday for him and for me and his daddy.

Rollin', rollin', rollin'

Bear has started rolling over! He looks so cute--when we lay him down to go to sleep, he starts jerking his legs until he just sort of falls over to the side. So I guess he's a side sleeper for the time being. He rolled to his stomach last night and then started crying, so then I got nervous. Maybe I'm being overprotective, but I know that the greatest danger of SIDS happening is between 2 and 4 months. He's in the middle of his 3rd month, so I really want him to sleep on his back. Once he gets to his stomach, he can't really do anything but root around on his mattress. Max thinks he's only a day or two away from being able to roll from his front to his back, but I don't know. He REALLY hates being put on his stomach, so with any luck, he'll cry every time he ends up that way. I have gotten up to check on him more than usual, just to make sure he's not face down on the mattress and he's been on his side every time. Everyone tells me not to worry, because he's strong and would probably lift or turn his head if he got into a situation where he couldn't breathe, but I know that he's a deep sleeper sometimes, too. Besides, I'm a momma. Isn't worrying in my job description?

Other than worrying about Bear, I also worry about myself. I worry about my lack of confidence to tell people what I really think sometimes and I really want to work on getting over this. I've done this pretty much all my life and you'd think I'd get better about it as I've gotten older, but no, I've just gotten better at avoiding the truth in many situations. I guess I don't want to hurt people's feelings or make them think anything bad about me, so I'm not completely honest about things. For example, yesterday, I had a friend call to ask if Bear and I wanted to go to the park or something. Well, during the same phone call, my friend also told me her kids had been sick with fevers/colds/ear infections, but were feeling much better now. Well, Bear is only 3 months old and I do NOT want him getting that stuff yet if he doesn't have to. Rather than telling my friend that, I told her that I was too busy cleaning in anticipation of my mom's arrival. It just wasn't the whole truth. I was cleaning, but I could have taken time out if I wanted to. Why couldn't I have just told her that I don't want Bear around sick kids? It's stupid, is what it is. I'm not scared of my friend, I just didn't want to deal with the argument that they are not contagious, they are acting like themselves, blah, blah, blah. Because I know that's what would have followed, due to previous experience with the same friend. She's just been a mom longer than I have and I worry more about stuff (when it comes to my kid) than she does. Plus, nothing against her daughter, but the little girl just keeps on kissing Bear on the face. It's sweet, but I know I wouldn't be able to get her not to do it just because she was a little sick. And dang it, I don't want to deal with a 3 month old with a cold! I know he's going to get sick at some point in his life, but why make it sooner than it has to be? Anyhow, I wish I had just told my friend the truth. It'll probably come up again at some point...maybe I'll be honest then.