Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I wanna hold your hand...

One of my favorite things about Bear right now is how much he loves me. I know that he'll more than likely always love me, but how long will it be until he gets mad at me for the first time? When will I disappoint him? How much longer will all the decisions I make be the right ones (in his mind)? When is it exactly that momma will no longer be his favorite person to hang out with? I am eagerly anticipating and dreading the day that he decides there are other people he'd rather listen to, look at, be entertained by and love. I'm excited about it for him, because it means that he'll be growing up and learning how to be a great person. I'm dreading it because I know I will no longer be his entire world. Being someone's everything is exhausting at times, but it is also exhilarating. I've never been loved this much and looked to for the answers to everything before. He's not even able to talk yet, but I'm the one that he looks to when he's confused, upset or hurt. He never asks for anyone else's opinion or argues with me. Just about everything he learns in the next few years is going to come from me. Is that love or what??

I guess I'm just realizing all of this because Bear is becoming more aware of his surroundings and it suddenly matters who's holding him and who's feeding him his bottle. Sometimes I'll be feeding him and watching television at the same time and I'll hear a little gurgle come from Bear. I'll look down at him and he is just grinning at me! It's so sweet and I can't get enough of him loving me. I especially like when I'm holding him (usually at bed time) and he just holds onto my wrist or one of my fingers (hence today's title). His hands are so soft and it's almost like when a kitten kneads on a mama cat while nursing. I hope to hang on to his love for at least a little while longer. I'm very appreciative of it and want it to last. Just writing about the fact that it will diminish makes me tear up. I'm getting to know my soon-to-be 4 month old son better and I'm loving him more than I did when he was a tiny baby. I didn't think that was possible, but then again, I'm not really someone that took one look at her newborn and "fell in love". Of course, I loved him immediately, but I was still too shocked by the actual delivery of him to really know him and love him. I just don't think you can truly love a person until you know him or her, even your own kid. Anyhow, he and I are still getting to know each other and I keep wondering: will the love just keep growing or does it taper off at some point? Will I be able to love a 2nd child (if there is one!!) as much? I've been assured by my mother that I will have enough love to go around, but then again, I've always known I was her favorite. (Just kidding, Mom...if you're reading this!) Now that I've read over what I just wrote, I realize it'll probably be sort of boring to anyone else. Oh well, I feel overwhelmed with love and affection for my son and I wanted to write about it before he fills up a diaper or cries for two straight hours and makes me forget that I felt this way for a minute.

Bear using both hands--a recent accomplishment!

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